Saturday, 12 February 2011
God's Love
I've been trying to understand God's love for me for years. When I was first saved I felt God's presence just about everyday and I never seemed to doubt God's love for me. But as you go on down this narrow road of Christianity, I believe God withdraws His presence (or at least the feeling of it) from you so that you will learn to trust Him more and so that you will seek Him more. It's very hard for me though because I tend to think God loves like us humans do, and that just isn't true. You see, we humans often love with a conditional love. It's usually only very rarely do we love with an unconditional love, and usually that unconditional love is reserved for our family. I find it very hard to distinguish between God's love for me and human love for me. The only people in this life that have truly loved me for who I was (warts and all), and regardless of the mistakes I make are my husband, kids, and my family. Everyone else has either never really loved me or only loved me dependant upon my good works, or if I acted perfect etc. Now, God's love for me is so much more than my hubby, kids, and family's love for me yet I have the hardest time accepting His perfect unconditional love. The thing is, I know all my shortcomings, I know all my failures, I know my heart is blacker than the night sky and yet often times I think "How can God love me when I'm so filthy, when I do this wrong or say that wrong?" I cry out to God to change me, to make me more like Him, to forgive me for my failures and sin, but then I don't let myself believe that He loves me warts and all. I think because all throughout life I've been hurt by so many people (who hasn't right? LOL) and I wrongfully put God in that same box as them. It's not fair to God, and frankly it's unbelief on my part. I know what the Bible says. I've read all the amazing stories in the Bible like that of King David who commited adultery and then murder, then repented and yet God still loved David no matter what David had done. One of my favorite verses is Romans 8:38-39 which says that nothing can seperate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus. Yet I still doubt His love for me. I think maybe the main root of it is that I don't truly love myself. You see when people who you trust and love stop loving you or they don't truly love you for who you are, then I end up thinking that I must be unlovable. I don't see any reason why people or God should love me. If only I could get past this, to not associate human love with God's love for me. I think having kids has started the ball rolling in the right direction, as when I look at my babies I know that there is nothing on this earth that could seperate them from my love. No matter what they do, no matter what they say, no matter if they end up hating me one day, I will always love them and give my life for them. And I know in my head that that's how God feels about me, but my heart doesn't seem to grasp it. And the times when I don't feel His presence, or hear His voice, I automatically put it down to "what have I done wrong. He must not really love me". Seriously, I've had thoughts that Romans 8:38-39 must have been written to everyone else in this world except for me. What a stupid thought! It's just reminding myself everyday, that nothing I do or say will ever seperate me from God's love. What an amazing love God is! How He could love imperfect people, sinful people, even people who hate Him, it's just incredible. Mind blowing actually. So I think what needs to happen is, I need to learn to love myself and stop listening to what other people think about me, I need to not doubt God's love for me. Wow, that was really quite theraputic for me lol, even if no one else reads this haha.
Thursday, 10 February 2011
Psalms a plenty!
I was reading the Psalms this morning and I just absolutely love the Psalms. So I thought I'd post a couple that really spoke to me. There are so many that I read today that spoke to me but to save my typing I'll just post a couple lol
Psalm 130
Out of the depths I have cried to You, O Lord; Lord, hear my voice! Let Your ears be attentive to the voice of my supplications. If You, Lord, should mark iniquities, O Lord, who could stand? But there is forgiveness with You, that You may be feared. I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I do hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than those who watch for the morning--yes, more than those who watch for the morning. O Israel, hope in the Lord; for with the Lord there is mercy, and with Him is abundant redemption. And He shall redeem Israel from all his iniquities.
Psalm 143
Hear my prayer, O Lord, give ear to my supplications! In Your faithfulness answer me, and in Your righteousness. Do not enter into judgement with Your servant, for in Your sight no one living is righteous. For the enemy has persecuted my soul; he has crushed my life to the ground; he has made me dwell in darkness, like those who have long beed dead. Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me; my heart within me is distressed. I remember days of old; I meditate on all Your works; I muse on the work of Your hands. I spread out my hands to You; my soul longs for You like a thirsty land. Answer me speedily, O Lord; my spirit fails! Do not hide Your face from me, lest I be like those who go down into the pit. Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning, for in You do I trust; Cause me to know the way in which I should walk, for I lift up my soul to You. Deliver me, O Lord, from my enemies; in You I take shelter. Teach me to do Your will, for You are my God; Your Spirit is good. Lead me in the land of uprightness. Revive me, O Lord, for Your name's sake! For Your righteousness' sake bring my soul out of trouble. In Your mercy cut off my enemies, and destroy all those who afflict my soul; For I am Your servant.
Psalm 130
Out of the depths I have cried to You, O Lord; Lord, hear my voice! Let Your ears be attentive to the voice of my supplications. If You, Lord, should mark iniquities, O Lord, who could stand? But there is forgiveness with You, that You may be feared. I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I do hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than those who watch for the morning--yes, more than those who watch for the morning. O Israel, hope in the Lord; for with the Lord there is mercy, and with Him is abundant redemption. And He shall redeem Israel from all his iniquities.
Psalm 143
Hear my prayer, O Lord, give ear to my supplications! In Your faithfulness answer me, and in Your righteousness. Do not enter into judgement with Your servant, for in Your sight no one living is righteous. For the enemy has persecuted my soul; he has crushed my life to the ground; he has made me dwell in darkness, like those who have long beed dead. Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me; my heart within me is distressed. I remember days of old; I meditate on all Your works; I muse on the work of Your hands. I spread out my hands to You; my soul longs for You like a thirsty land. Answer me speedily, O Lord; my spirit fails! Do not hide Your face from me, lest I be like those who go down into the pit. Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning, for in You do I trust; Cause me to know the way in which I should walk, for I lift up my soul to You. Deliver me, O Lord, from my enemies; in You I take shelter. Teach me to do Your will, for You are my God; Your Spirit is good. Lead me in the land of uprightness. Revive me, O Lord, for Your name's sake! For Your righteousness' sake bring my soul out of trouble. In Your mercy cut off my enemies, and destroy all those who afflict my soul; For I am Your servant.
Wednesday, 9 February 2011
A great first day
Lydia woke up so I thought I'd re-write that post from yesterday lol.
The first workshop went really well. There were about 35 of us there. I met some really lovely ladies who were fellow lay reps. The first day was basically just an introduction day, explaining what we are trying to do etc. I can tell that this process might get a bit heated, I think there is a lot of tention between some of the Health Professionals. One guy was getting really passionate today and so it should be an interesting few weeks lol. I'm really looking forward to the whole thing though.
We've been potty training Micah and it's going surprisingly well. We started a few weeks ago and have had very few accidents. It's taking him longer to learn the #2 part of potty training lol, but he's getting there and I'm so happy to have him finally be out of nappies. He's such a big boy now, growing up way too fast!
Yesterday, Abby asked if she could go and pray on her own. Of course we said yes lol, so she took herself to her room and shut the door and prayed. She said she wanted to pray and ask God to help her do the things He wants her to do. It made my heart smile. She's such a special little girl, with a heart that just wants to obey. She'll be 5 on Monday and I can't quite believe how fast the time has gone!
I had my running group tonight, we were up to 6mins continuous jogging:) My knees were hurting a few weeks back but that seems to have subsided for now which is great! It was a great run tonight, worked me very hard as we had to run uphill for some of it, talk about leg workout lol. But it's great to get out in God's creation to get some exercise.
I've been thinking a lot lately on the concept of being a servant. Laying down your life for others, putting them first etc. There are so many Scriptures concerning this, but one that I was reading yesterday that is a great reminder.
Phil 2:3-4 Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interest of others.
That can have so many outworkings in real life. Just basically by putting others before ourselves in all things. And then Philippians goes on to speak more about what true servant is:
Phil 2:5-8 Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross.
Just wow, that's all I can say to that Scripture.
The first workshop went really well. There were about 35 of us there. I met some really lovely ladies who were fellow lay reps. The first day was basically just an introduction day, explaining what we are trying to do etc. I can tell that this process might get a bit heated, I think there is a lot of tention between some of the Health Professionals. One guy was getting really passionate today and so it should be an interesting few weeks lol. I'm really looking forward to the whole thing though.
We've been potty training Micah and it's going surprisingly well. We started a few weeks ago and have had very few accidents. It's taking him longer to learn the #2 part of potty training lol, but he's getting there and I'm so happy to have him finally be out of nappies. He's such a big boy now, growing up way too fast!
Yesterday, Abby asked if she could go and pray on her own. Of course we said yes lol, so she took herself to her room and shut the door and prayed. She said she wanted to pray and ask God to help her do the things He wants her to do. It made my heart smile. She's such a special little girl, with a heart that just wants to obey. She'll be 5 on Monday and I can't quite believe how fast the time has gone!
I had my running group tonight, we were up to 6mins continuous jogging:) My knees were hurting a few weeks back but that seems to have subsided for now which is great! It was a great run tonight, worked me very hard as we had to run uphill for some of it, talk about leg workout lol. But it's great to get out in God's creation to get some exercise.
I've been thinking a lot lately on the concept of being a servant. Laying down your life for others, putting them first etc. There are so many Scriptures concerning this, but one that I was reading yesterday that is a great reminder.
Phil 2:3-4 Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interest of others.
That can have so many outworkings in real life. Just basically by putting others before ourselves in all things. And then Philippians goes on to speak more about what true servant is:
Phil 2:5-8 Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross.
Just wow, that's all I can say to that Scripture.
A Scripture for today
I just typed out a big long post about my first meeting today and about the kids, but I lost is somehow when trying to post it....grrr. So I'll just post a Scripture instead lol, I really can't be bothered typing all that back out again.
James 4:11-12 Do not speak evil of one another, brethren. He who speaks evil of a brother and judges his brother, speaks evil of the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. There is one Lawgiver, who is able to save and to destroy. Who are you to judge another?
This is what I have been thinking on lately, mainly due to circumstances in real life. But it's a mega pet peeve of mine when people speak evil of other people or talk about them behind their back. Especially us being Christians, we should know better. Can an army really be strong if they keep shooting each other? Absolutely not! We as the body of Christ can not be a true body if we are trying to maim and kill the other parts of the body. Jesus said that they (the world) will know that we are His disciples by our love for one another. And yet as Christians we treat each other like poop and we try to wound our brothers and sisters in Christ. Personally, I'm learning to keep my mouth shut. My mouth is my biggest problem. I often speak before I think, and I get passionate about stuff. I'm learning when it comes to debating that there is a huge difference between debating and trying to slit the throat of your brother. A very wise woman once said "You can be right and still be wrong", and I think that's very true.
Well, I better stop as I need to make the kids supper and get to my running. :)
James 4:11-12 Do not speak evil of one another, brethren. He who speaks evil of a brother and judges his brother, speaks evil of the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. There is one Lawgiver, who is able to save and to destroy. Who are you to judge another?
This is what I have been thinking on lately, mainly due to circumstances in real life. But it's a mega pet peeve of mine when people speak evil of other people or talk about them behind their back. Especially us being Christians, we should know better. Can an army really be strong if they keep shooting each other? Absolutely not! We as the body of Christ can not be a true body if we are trying to maim and kill the other parts of the body. Jesus said that they (the world) will know that we are His disciples by our love for one another. And yet as Christians we treat each other like poop and we try to wound our brothers and sisters in Christ. Personally, I'm learning to keep my mouth shut. My mouth is my biggest problem. I often speak before I think, and I get passionate about stuff. I'm learning when it comes to debating that there is a huge difference between debating and trying to slit the throat of your brother. A very wise woman once said "You can be right and still be wrong", and I think that's very true.
Well, I better stop as I need to make the kids supper and get to my running. :)
Saturday, 5 February 2011
Whose will?
I've been thinking a lot lately about the will of God versus the will of man. Just how surrendered are we to do the will of God? Or do we seek to do our own will? Jesus said, "My food is to do the will of Him that sent me, and to finish His work". And when He was in the garden of Gethsemane Jesus said "not my will but Yours be done". How much do we choose to do our own thing? Do we want our own way, our own plans, or do we want His will done in our lives? Do we take the time out to seek what His will is for our lives?
I think it's very important to seek Him on the important aspects of our lives. Who knows what is best for us better than Him? There are many teachings out there that tell you you can just choose what you want to do, who you want to marry, where you want to live. But that is SELF and if you follow that teaching you are following your self will.
Here are some good quotes from Watchman Nee's teaching "How to seek after God's will". I will put a link to the whole thing but want to put a few quotes in my blog:)
"Our heart is very wicked. Sometimes we seek after God's will superficially, but within we are full of self-will and prejudice. Our one great goal is to please ourselves."
"We should make up our mind not to initiate anything until we have found out what the will of the Lord is. It is not too slow to walk with the Lord. The quickest way to go on is to go forward on our knees with the Lord."
"May the Lord give us much strength to be quiet before Him and to wait for and seek after His will."
"From this time forth, may we stop our self, leave our self, and solely seek after the Lord's will."
Good stuff that!
Here is the link to the whole thing:
http://www.sermonindex.net/modules/articles/article_pdf.php?aid=18047
I think it's very important to seek Him on the important aspects of our lives. Who knows what is best for us better than Him? There are many teachings out there that tell you you can just choose what you want to do, who you want to marry, where you want to live. But that is SELF and if you follow that teaching you are following your self will.
Here are some good quotes from Watchman Nee's teaching "How to seek after God's will". I will put a link to the whole thing but want to put a few quotes in my blog:)
"Our heart is very wicked. Sometimes we seek after God's will superficially, but within we are full of self-will and prejudice. Our one great goal is to please ourselves."
"We should make up our mind not to initiate anything until we have found out what the will of the Lord is. It is not too slow to walk with the Lord. The quickest way to go on is to go forward on our knees with the Lord."
"May the Lord give us much strength to be quiet before Him and to wait for and seek after His will."
"From this time forth, may we stop our self, leave our self, and solely seek after the Lord's will."
Good stuff that!
Here is the link to the whole thing:
http://www.sermonindex.net/modules/articles/article_pdf.php?aid=18047
Wednesday, 2 February 2011
A great opportunity!
So yesterday the Consultant Midwife for the whole of our county emailed me and said that they were starting their Maternity Services Review and that they need a representative for Peterhead and that she feels I'd be the best candidate for it. I was immediately excited as I love all things that pertain to pregnancy and birth. I didn't have all the full details though and wasn't quite sure what my role would be, so I tried not to get too excited lol. I called her today and left a message. She just called me back and explained a bit more. Basically, they hold meetings to discuss the way the Maternity services are currently are and how they can improve them. There will be midwives, OB's, other medical professionals, and a few other lay people like me. I'm slightly nervous but super excited:) What an amazing opportunity! To be able to help make the maternity services better for women will be such a great thing to do. Even if my part is only small in the grand scheme of things, to be able to contribute will make my heart happy. And who knows maybe this experience will help me if I ever decide to follow my dream of becoming a midwife. The first meeting is next Wednesday in Aberdeen, eeek! I'm gonna be so nervous lol.
I'm off out to my running in about 30mins. I joined this group called JogScotland, I'm in the beginners group. We started out running 30seconds then walking 30seconds for 12 mins. Now we are up to 4mins continuous running. I'm really enjoying it, though my knees have been really sore. I've figured out the problem. I've got over pronated feet, which means I have hardly any arch and I stand on the inside of my feet. I knew that I had that problem like 10years ago and was supposed to wear special insoles to help, but I wore the inserts for probably a month and then couldn't be bothered anymore haha. But now I need to find some insoles to wear in my running shoes and that should fix my knee problem. I just need to endure tonights run and hopefully can get the insoles before next week. I'm off to get ready for my running:)
I'm off out to my running in about 30mins. I joined this group called JogScotland, I'm in the beginners group. We started out running 30seconds then walking 30seconds for 12 mins. Now we are up to 4mins continuous running. I'm really enjoying it, though my knees have been really sore. I've figured out the problem. I've got over pronated feet, which means I have hardly any arch and I stand on the inside of my feet. I knew that I had that problem like 10years ago and was supposed to wear special insoles to help, but I wore the inserts for probably a month and then couldn't be bothered anymore haha. But now I need to find some insoles to wear in my running shoes and that should fix my knee problem. I just need to endure tonights run and hopefully can get the insoles before next week. I'm off to get ready for my running:)
Tuesday, 1 February 2011
Random musings
Today is such a lovely beautiful sunny day! I love sunny weather. I can't wait for summer. To go for long walks at Haddo house, to take the kids to the beach, to go Geocaching with the family, to sit out in the back garden at 9pm and just enjoy a sunny night. Yup, I can't wait!! I love summer in Scotland:)
Lydia is talking loads, she's such a chatter box. My absolute favorite thing she says is "I know". She tilts her head back as if she's going to sneeze, then she says "I knooooow", so adorable. She dropped something on the floor earlier and said "uh oh". I love her talking. I can't believe my baby is growing up so fast.
I'm going to a Pampered Chef party on Thursday night, I've never been to one before. I love at home shopping parties. I don't normally like shopping but absolutely love going to these kind of parties. Am looking forward to getting some cool gadget for my kitchen:)
On a more serious note, I'm waiting for my letter for referral to the breast clinic in Aberdeen. I found 2 lumps in my breast and went to the doc to get it checked out and see if I could be referred to the breast clinic. The doc actually found 3 lumps and said that she would prefer I get them checked out at the breast clinic which is what I wanted anyway. I've been there before and they are specialised in this sort of thing so I prefer to go straight to them and miss out the middle man, but you need a referral in order to go so you have to go to the doc to get the referral. Anyway, am waiting for my letter to come with my appointment. I've found lots of lumps in this same breast over the years, they are always benign tumors, fibroadenomas to be precise. It's highly likely that these 3 are the same thing, but you always have that niggling fear that one of these days one of the lumps will be something more than they have always been. I'm not worried about it, but would like to get the appointment over and done with sooner rather than later. So if anyone is reading this, please pray for me regarding this, thanks.
I'll end there as I have lots to do today and I have been procrastinating lol.
Lydia is talking loads, she's such a chatter box. My absolute favorite thing she says is "I know". She tilts her head back as if she's going to sneeze, then she says "I knooooow", so adorable. She dropped something on the floor earlier and said "uh oh". I love her talking. I can't believe my baby is growing up so fast.
I'm going to a Pampered Chef party on Thursday night, I've never been to one before. I love at home shopping parties. I don't normally like shopping but absolutely love going to these kind of parties. Am looking forward to getting some cool gadget for my kitchen:)
On a more serious note, I'm waiting for my letter for referral to the breast clinic in Aberdeen. I found 2 lumps in my breast and went to the doc to get it checked out and see if I could be referred to the breast clinic. The doc actually found 3 lumps and said that she would prefer I get them checked out at the breast clinic which is what I wanted anyway. I've been there before and they are specialised in this sort of thing so I prefer to go straight to them and miss out the middle man, but you need a referral in order to go so you have to go to the doc to get the referral. Anyway, am waiting for my letter to come with my appointment. I've found lots of lumps in this same breast over the years, they are always benign tumors, fibroadenomas to be precise. It's highly likely that these 3 are the same thing, but you always have that niggling fear that one of these days one of the lumps will be something more than they have always been. I'm not worried about it, but would like to get the appointment over and done with sooner rather than later. So if anyone is reading this, please pray for me regarding this, thanks.
I'll end there as I have lots to do today and I have been procrastinating lol.
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