Here I am Lord, send me.

I've been thinking on this lately. My hearts cry is "Here am I Lord, send me". I'm willing to go to the ends of the earth for Him but when I really think about it there is a lot of fear there. I often feel like who am I that God would use me? I'm just a nobody who has so many faults and failings, so much I want changed in me. I feel as if God were to use me then I would mess up. And why on earth would He pick me? Surely He could choose someone else more qualified and more Holy or more something lol. My hearts desire is to be used by Him to bring people to Him for salvation. But my fear that I'll mess up keeps me sticking my head in the sand and acting like nothing is going on. I don't want to be used by Him to bring glory to myself, Heaven forbid I should or would ever bring glory to anything other than His name! I want to be used by Him to bring glory to HIS name! If only I could just believe in my head and my heart what one of my favorite bit of scripture says, "For you see your calling, brothers, how that not many wise men after the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called: But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God has chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty; And base things of the world, and things which are despised, has God chosen, yes, and things which are not, to bring to nothing things that are: That no flesh should glory in his presence."- 1 Cor 1:26-29. I need to keep telling myself that over and over, then remove my head from the sand, and let God be glorified!

head and heart full!

My head and heart are so full right now and I don't really know what to do with it all, thought maybe blogging would help but not totally sure I can get all of my thoughts and feelings into some sort understandable writing lol. It all started when I read this book called "Courting Morrow Little" by Laura Frantz. Seriously, the best Christian fiction book I've ever read. It is so good that I finished it within 3 days and immediately started to read it again. This book has left me changed and I'm still not exactly sure how lol. I just feel this passion inside, this longing for the One my soul loves, to behold my sweet Jesus and nothing else matters. I just feel like I want to get out in His creation and spend time with Him. Go where no one else is and cry to Him, sing to Him, worship Him with all that I am. I just want to be with Him. I'm lovesick for my Savior. I've been getting away to the lighthouse that's about 5mins from our house. I love it at this time of year as there usually is no one around. I climb up onto the rocks and just stand there with the wind blowing in my hair, watching the waves crash onto the rocks, look into the distance at the massive cliffs that line the shore and just drink in His creation. Talk to Him, declare my love for Him over and over again and not want to leave but reality draws me back to the fact that I have kids and need to get back home before hubby goes off to work. I don't know what is happening inside of me, maybe God is stirring me up for a reason, I don't know. And then last night I stumbled across the story of Jim Elliot and his (and 4 other missionaries) martyrdom. It was the complete story told by one of the other guys son, who was told by the Auca Indians why they killed the missionaries. What an amazing story. If those 5 men weren't martyred, then the Auca Indians probably wouldn't have heard the gospel of Christ. Their death paved the way for Jim Elliot's wife and 1 of the other guys sister to go back and share the Gospel with them and understand true repentance and forgiveness. That story has changed me too! I feel as if I could truly go to the ends of the earth, face death or whatever, for the One whom my soul loves. I feel sort of like a caged lion, ready to bust out of these gates. It's so hard to explain, but my heart and head feel like a water balloon ready to explode! I guess I'll end there as I don't really know what else to say about it lol.

The state of the world and the church!

I've been thinking a lot lately about the state of the world, the youth, and the church and sadly all of those are in a horrible state. I do candle parties to try and get a little extra money coming in. Through this job I meet a lot of people. When I go to parties I watch the people that are there, not in a creepy way. Most of the people I encounter party hard, live lives in sin, they are so lost and it's so sad. The young people are heavy drinkers, having sex, having babies etc. And most of all they care not that they are lost and without Christ. They love their sin and their lifestyles of partying. And you know what? The youth in the church aren't much different. It saddens me beyond belief, not only because so many people are lost and dying in their sins, but also because I have to raise my children in this horrible sin infested world. I keep pleading with God to save my children. It's my biggest hearts desire, to see my children born again and not only that but they all 3 of them would seek God with their whole lives. That they would never stray from Him or become worldly. That they would be beacons of light to this dark dark world. That they stand in the face of all of the temptation and blatant acts of sin and that they would not be moved! That they would give Jesus their whole lives and that they would be winners of souls! I really don't want to do anything that would hinder them coming to Christ or walking with them everyday of their lives! Please Jesus have mercy on my babies and save them and let them give their whole lives to you, that they would never be ensnared by this world, that they would never turn their backs on You but that they would always seek Your face! That they would always be obedient to You and that they would live lives of Holiness, and that their lives would be pleasing to You. I give you my babies Lord, that You would take them and use them for Your glory! Jesus, help me to be a mother who will show them how to live, a mother who's life and example will want to make them follow You and You alone! Lord, please don't let me do anything that would hinder them from coming to You and following You every day of their lives. Lord I also pray that You would give them Godly friends, surround them with friends that will help to keep them on the narrow road! Lord I pray that you would keep them from bad company that corrupts good morals. Lord keep them from people who will bring them down and cause them to turn away from You. Lord I also pray that you would give them Godly husbands and a Godly wife for Micah. Teach Rodney and I how to raise them for You, that they would seek You with their whole hearts! I love you God and I want them to love you too! Have mercy on my babies.

Knowing God, desperation for God!

I've been thinking today that somewhere over the years I've stopped truly being desperate for God. I love Him and my faith is in Him, but I don't really spend time with Him that much anymore, seeking His face, getting to know Him more. That makes me super sad:( And strangely I don't know how to get out of this pit. I feel like I've created this flesh monster that is just living for myself and what I want. But my spirit man is crying out inside "I want GOD! I need Him! Seek His face and you will find Him"!. Oh man, I need to get back to seeking His face and being desperate for more of Him. Because frankly, everything else is worthless. I can remember the days when I use to decline hanging out with friends so that I could stay in and spend time with God. He was all I wanted! I was so hungry for Him. And somewhere along the way I got too busy for that. And that makes me sick:(

Lord, please help me to get back to seeking Your face. Cause a hunger for You to rise in me again. Cause me to hunger for you like the deer pants for the streams of water. I need You and You alone!!! Cause me to seek Your face!

New Ramblings from me:)

Well, we have been in our new house for a week and a half now and we are loving it! So much more room, and I honestly don't have a negative word about it. It's fabulous! I'm so grateful to God for our house, I'm thankful for 3 bedrooms, for finally having 2 toilets, for having a utility room so that my washer and dryer are in the same place. We love the town we are in now as well, pretty quiet out here with loads of green grass for the kids to run about in plus a brand new playpark that is a stones throw from our house. I just can't stop thanking God for our new house. He has been so very good to us, He has provided for us in amazing ways. I have seen God move these last couple of months in ways that some people never experience. He is such a loving and faithful God!

We go to Italy in 6 days!!! I can't wait! My brother and his wife are having their Italian wedding and I'm so excited!! It's been a dream of mine since I was a little girl to go to Italy and I think I'll have to pinch myself just to realise that it's coming true. I can't wait to see my mom, brother, and sis in law. I haven't seen my brother in almost 4 years. The kids are so excited too! This will be their first time in an Airplane, their first proper holiday. I'm too excited to sleep and I still have 6 more sleeps haha.

Do you ever miss someone so much that you are on the verge of messaging them to tell them you love them and miss them and then talk yourself out of it because you know it wouldn't be well received? Sometimes I just wish I could get over some things easily but my mind and heart just won't let me. I have come a long way though and I know one day I will get over it and forget and it'll be easier. Just wish that one day would come a lot faster. God has gotten me this far and I know he'll get me through the rest. He alone is faithful and true. Praise you Lord for your lovingkindness to me and my family. Thank you for loving us when others didn't. Thank you for providing for us, blessing us, and loving us.

The reality of the flesh

A few years ago during some time with God, He held a mirror in front of my heart (not literally lol) and showed me what was really inside. Ever since then I have been totally disgusted with my black heart and so long to be more like Him! I hate the things in me that aren't conformed to the image of Christ yet, I hate my flesh and the character flaws/sins that I can't seem to get rid of. I don't know how many times I've cried out to God to change me but He doesn't seem to be doing it fast enough for my liking hahaha. I can't stand my flesh yet can't seem to kill it enough. Oh to be in glory with Him, worshipping Him for all eternity, finally able to meet the love of my life face to face, and finally be free from this flesh of mine. To be perfect and not be able to have an angry thought, or some pride. Man I can't wait! I love my family more than words and am forever blessed that God has allowed me time here on earth to spend with them and love them and teach them about God. And I desire more than anything that my kids come to Christ and never depart from Him! But I can't help but feel like a pilgrim on this earth, a stranger. This is not my home and the more I go about in life the more stranger I feel towards it. This narrow road is such a lonely lonely place, full of pits and hardships yet through it all I have learned that there is One that sticks closer than a brother and He is my hearts desire! He is my love whom I wish I could just kiss His feet. To behold Him! Why can I not devote more time to Him? I find it so hard to make time to read my Bible and pray, and that in turn makes it feel like He's a zillion miles away. Oh if only I could crucify this flesh once and for all! To be able to say with Paul "For I am crucified with Christ. For it is no longer I who lives but Christ who lives in me". The reality is that I live far too much and don't give Jesus enough room to live in me. I must decrease and He must increase. Oh to be completely rid of this flesh so that Christ and only Christ lives in and through me and His will be done!

My hubby posted something on Facebook that has challenged me and sort of brings my lack of seeking God into light. It's this quote "The men who have done the most for God in this world have been early on their knees. He who fritters away the early morning, its opportunity and freshness, in other pursuits than seeking God will make poor headway seeking Him the rest of the day. If God is not first in our thoughts and efforts in the morning, He will be in the last place the remainder of the day." - E. M. Bounds

I know the start of my problems is that I don't seek God first in the morning. I know I have small children and that makes things a lot harder but that is basically just an excuse as I could get up before they wake up and seek God. And thus comes the battle with the flesh. My flesh wants to sleep, my spirit wants God. My flesh is currently winning but I need to crucify it again and again so that my spirit man will be stronger than my flesh. I'm determined to get back to that point of extreme closeness with God! I'm setting my face like flint and am going to crucify this stinky flesh! Lord have mercy on me and help me to seek your face with all that is within me!

Just Before Victory by David Wilkerson

This is something I've been thinking about for the last few months. I used to believe and say things like "If it's God's will then it'll all work out smoothly and everything will fall into place". But you know, I'm not so sure that's completely true. When you look at the Bible you see so many examples of God giving someone a promise and the next minute that person is thrown into a time of confusion and stuff going wrong! Take Joseph for example. God gave him a dream and then the very next minute his brothers threw him into a pit and sold him into slavery. Then he was eventually accused of something he didn't do and thrown into prison. And it wasn't until after all of that that the promise of God was made a reality. I think we as western world Christians just associate God's will as blessing and ease. But I think that is pretty far from the truth. The persecuted church in China and other parts of the world suffer much and yet I would say that God is so close to them and pleased with them and they are more in the will of God then we are. Anyway, those have been my thoughts as of late, and then today I read this on David Wilkerson's blog and it just confirmed everything I've been thinking. I love when God does that. Anyway, I will link you to it. Please read it! It's truth and it has truly blessed and encouraged me today.

http://davidwilkersontoday.blogspot.com/2011/05/just-before-victory.html

You might have to copy and paste that into your toolbar thingy, I don't know how to do it otherwise lol