A few years ago during some time with God, He held a mirror in front of my heart (not literally lol) and showed me what was really inside. Ever since then I have been totally disgusted with my black heart and so long to be more like Him! I hate the things in me that aren't conformed to the image of Christ yet, I hate my flesh and the character flaws/sins that I can't seem to get rid of. I don't know how many times I've cried out to God to change me but He doesn't seem to be doing it fast enough for my liking hahaha. I can't stand my flesh yet can't seem to kill it enough. Oh to be in glory with Him, worshipping Him for all eternity, finally able to meet the love of my life face to face, and finally be free from this flesh of mine. To be perfect and not be able to have an angry thought, or some pride. Man I can't wait! I love my family more than words and am forever blessed that God has allowed me time here on earth to spend with them and love them and teach them about God. And I desire more than anything that my kids come to Christ and never depart from Him! But I can't help but feel like a pilgrim on this earth, a stranger. This is not my home and the more I go about in life the more stranger I feel towards it. This narrow road is such a lonely lonely place, full of pits and hardships yet through it all I have learned that there is One that sticks closer than a brother and He is my hearts desire! He is my love whom I wish I could just kiss His feet. To behold Him! Why can I not devote more time to Him? I find it so hard to make time to read my Bible and pray, and that in turn makes it feel like He's a zillion miles away. Oh if only I could crucify this flesh once and for all! To be able to say with Paul "For I am crucified with Christ. For it is no longer I who lives but Christ who lives in me". The reality is that I live far too much and don't give Jesus enough room to live in me. I must decrease and He must increase. Oh to be completely rid of this flesh so that Christ and only Christ lives in and through me and His will be done!
My hubby posted something on Facebook that has challenged me and sort of brings my lack of seeking God into light. It's this quote "The men who have done the most for God in this world have been early on their knees. He who fritters away the early morning, its opportunity and freshness, in other pursuits than seeking God will make poor headway seeking Him the rest of the day. If God is not first in our thoughts and efforts in the morning, He will be in the last place the remainder of the day." - E. M. Bounds
I know the start of my problems is that I don't seek God first in the morning. I know I have small children and that makes things a lot harder but that is basically just an excuse as I could get up before they wake up and seek God. And thus comes the battle with the flesh. My flesh wants to sleep, my spirit wants God. My flesh is currently winning but I need to crucify it again and again so that my spirit man will be stronger than my flesh. I'm determined to get back to that point of extreme closeness with God! I'm setting my face like flint and am going to crucify this stinky flesh! Lord have mercy on me and help me to seek your face with all that is within me!
Sunday, 5 June 2011
Friday, 20 May 2011
Just Before Victory by David Wilkerson
This is something I've been thinking about for the last few months. I used to believe and say things like "If it's God's will then it'll all work out smoothly and everything will fall into place". But you know, I'm not so sure that's completely true. When you look at the Bible you see so many examples of God giving someone a promise and the next minute that person is thrown into a time of confusion and stuff going wrong! Take Joseph for example. God gave him a dream and then the very next minute his brothers threw him into a pit and sold him into slavery. Then he was eventually accused of something he didn't do and thrown into prison. And it wasn't until after all of that that the promise of God was made a reality. I think we as western world Christians just associate God's will as blessing and ease. But I think that is pretty far from the truth. The persecuted church in China and other parts of the world suffer much and yet I would say that God is so close to them and pleased with them and they are more in the will of God then we are. Anyway, those have been my thoughts as of late, and then today I read this on David Wilkerson's blog and it just confirmed everything I've been thinking. I love when God does that. Anyway, I will link you to it. Please read it! It's truth and it has truly blessed and encouraged me today.
http://davidwilkersontoday.blogspot.com/2011/05/just-before-victory.html
You might have to copy and paste that into your toolbar thingy, I don't know how to do it otherwise lol
http://davidwilkersontoday.blogspot.com/2011/05/just-before-victory.html
You might have to copy and paste that into your toolbar thingy, I don't know how to do it otherwise lol
Tuesday, 10 May 2011
The Monkey and the Wire
I've been meaning to write this post for a few days now but am finally getting a chance to. I've been reading "God's Smuggler" by Brother Andrew about a man from Holland who smuggles Bibles into communist countries. I was reading a chapter and a particular part really spoke to me and I gleaned much from it. I start by writing the story he's telling about his pet monkey that he bought when he was in the Phillipeans in the war.
I hadn't had the monkey many weeks before I noticed that his stomach seemed to be hurting him. One day while carrying him I felt what seemed like a welt around his waist. I put him down on the bed and told him to lie still. Carefully I pulled back the hair until I saw what it was. Evidently when the gibbon had been a baby, someone had tied him with a piece of wire and never taken it off. As the monkey grew, the wire became embedded in his flesh. It must have caused him terrible pain.
That evening I began the operation. I took my razor and shaved off the monkey's hair in a three-inch-wide swathe around his middle. The uncovered welt was red and angry looking. While the other boys in the barracks looked on, I cut ever so gently into this tender flesh until I exposed the wire. The gibbon lay with the most amazing patience. Even when I hurt him, he looked at me with eyes that seemed to say, "I understand", until at long last I was able to pull the wire away. Instantly he jumped up, did a little cartwheel, danced around my shoulder, and pulled my hair to the delight of all the boys in the barracks.
Man, God really spoke to me through this. You see, like this monkey we all have wires that have become embedded in our flesh. Ok, not physical wires, but wires of un-willful sin like pride, anger, unforgiveness etc. And throughout our Christian life and walk, God is sanctifying us, putting us in the furnace to come out more pure, and he's cutting into our flesh in order to take these wires out. And you can gaurantee it's gonna hurt. I feel like there are so many wires that are stuck in my flesh. And it hurts to feel them stuck in your flesh. You want nothing more than to be able to get rid of these wires but it will only take God cutting into our flesh and pulling those wires out. Over the last few years God has been doing this very thing, but He seems to have kicked it up a couple of notches in these last few months. It hurts when God shows you exactly what is inside of you, when He shows you just how black your heart really is, and how fleshy you really are. But praise Him that His desire is to perfect us, to make us more like Him, to cut away these wires and areas of us that aren't good. But we have to let Him! We have to lay there like the monkey did, and trust His skillful hands to do this surgery and remove these things. Yes it's painful, but oh so worth it! To finally be free of these wires! To finally be free from pride, anger, resentment, unforgiveness! Have we gotten to the point where this wire has caused so much pain that we are totally sick of it being there that we cry out to God to remove it? Oh praise you Lord for loving me that you would first show me just what is in me, and then you would lovingly remove these things from me. I'm so sick of myself. I'm so sick of my black heart. I'm sick of my flesh. Lord have mercy on me and cut these things out of my flesh once and for all! Praise you through it all!
I hadn't had the monkey many weeks before I noticed that his stomach seemed to be hurting him. One day while carrying him I felt what seemed like a welt around his waist. I put him down on the bed and told him to lie still. Carefully I pulled back the hair until I saw what it was. Evidently when the gibbon had been a baby, someone had tied him with a piece of wire and never taken it off. As the monkey grew, the wire became embedded in his flesh. It must have caused him terrible pain.
That evening I began the operation. I took my razor and shaved off the monkey's hair in a three-inch-wide swathe around his middle. The uncovered welt was red and angry looking. While the other boys in the barracks looked on, I cut ever so gently into this tender flesh until I exposed the wire. The gibbon lay with the most amazing patience. Even when I hurt him, he looked at me with eyes that seemed to say, "I understand", until at long last I was able to pull the wire away. Instantly he jumped up, did a little cartwheel, danced around my shoulder, and pulled my hair to the delight of all the boys in the barracks.
Man, God really spoke to me through this. You see, like this monkey we all have wires that have become embedded in our flesh. Ok, not physical wires, but wires of un-willful sin like pride, anger, unforgiveness etc. And throughout our Christian life and walk, God is sanctifying us, putting us in the furnace to come out more pure, and he's cutting into our flesh in order to take these wires out. And you can gaurantee it's gonna hurt. I feel like there are so many wires that are stuck in my flesh. And it hurts to feel them stuck in your flesh. You want nothing more than to be able to get rid of these wires but it will only take God cutting into our flesh and pulling those wires out. Over the last few years God has been doing this very thing, but He seems to have kicked it up a couple of notches in these last few months. It hurts when God shows you exactly what is inside of you, when He shows you just how black your heart really is, and how fleshy you really are. But praise Him that His desire is to perfect us, to make us more like Him, to cut away these wires and areas of us that aren't good. But we have to let Him! We have to lay there like the monkey did, and trust His skillful hands to do this surgery and remove these things. Yes it's painful, but oh so worth it! To finally be free of these wires! To finally be free from pride, anger, resentment, unforgiveness! Have we gotten to the point where this wire has caused so much pain that we are totally sick of it being there that we cry out to God to remove it? Oh praise you Lord for loving me that you would first show me just what is in me, and then you would lovingly remove these things from me. I'm so sick of myself. I'm so sick of my black heart. I'm sick of my flesh. Lord have mercy on me and cut these things out of my flesh once and for all! Praise you through it all!
Thursday, 28 April 2011
A tribute to David Wilkerson!
I woke up this morning and the first thing I heard was, "David Wilkerson died in a car accident". My hubby was relaying the story to me. I was in shock and deeply saddened that this great man of God had passed away so suddenly. He was my favorite preacher in these sinful days. He was an amazing man of God! There isn't one sermon of his that didn't encourage me and challenge me, that didn't give me a good kick up the back side and make me feel so loved by God. He was a man who sought God, hungered for God, loved God with all that he was. He preached sermons full of truth, undiluted, uncompromising, grounded in the Word of God. Messages of hope, mercy, and love. Messages that challenged you to forsake your sin, to live a holy life, and seek God with all that you are while doing away with all the things in this world that have no eternal substance. He had the perfect balance of justice and love, judgement and mercy, truth and grace. He was (in my opinion) like a modern day Paul the apostle. He was someone who always pointed you back to the cross, pointed you back to Jesus, and never set out to make a name for himself. He was an incredible man of God who I will miss and is a tremendous loss to the body of Christ. But he is now with our Savior. He is in the bosom of our wonderful Lord. He is in the promise land, where there is no more pain, no more tears, no more sin. He is in glory with Glory Himself! Brother David you will be missed by me and countless others, and I look forward to meeting you in Heaven for the first time.
Monday, 25 April 2011
The Psalms strike again!
You know those times where you just open the Bible to a random spot and the very page you open it to speaks right to you? That doesn't happen often to me but it happened tonight. I wasn't trying to randomly turn to a page, just happened to open and it look down at the page it opened to and Psalm just grabbed my attention. Anyway, thought I'd share it as my blog post as it's very fitting for how I feel.
Psalm 30
I will extol thee, O Lord; for thou hast lifted me up, and hast not made my foes to rejoice over me. O Lord my God, I cried unto thee, and thou hast healed me. O Lord, thou hast brought up my soul from the grave: thou hast kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit. Sing unto the Lord, O ye saints of his, and give thanks at the rememberance of his holiness. For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. And in my prosperity I said, I shall never be moved. Lord, by thy favour thou hast made my mountain to stand strong: thou didst hide thy face, and I was troubled. I cried to thee, O Lord; and unto the Lord I made supplication. What profit is there in my blood, when I go down to the pit? Shall the dust praise thee? shall it declare thy truth? Hear, O Lord, and have mercy upon me: Lord, be thou my helper. Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness; To the end that my glory may sing praise to thee, and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks unto thee for ever.
Psalm 30
I will extol thee, O Lord; for thou hast lifted me up, and hast not made my foes to rejoice over me. O Lord my God, I cried unto thee, and thou hast healed me. O Lord, thou hast brought up my soul from the grave: thou hast kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit. Sing unto the Lord, O ye saints of his, and give thanks at the rememberance of his holiness. For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. And in my prosperity I said, I shall never be moved. Lord, by thy favour thou hast made my mountain to stand strong: thou didst hide thy face, and I was troubled. I cried to thee, O Lord; and unto the Lord I made supplication. What profit is there in my blood, when I go down to the pit? Shall the dust praise thee? shall it declare thy truth? Hear, O Lord, and have mercy upon me: Lord, be thou my helper. Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness; To the end that my glory may sing praise to thee, and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks unto thee for ever.
Wednesday, 23 March 2011
Been a while
It's been a couple of weeks since I've posted. I've had some sort of sinus/throat infection and it's taken about 2 weeks for me to feel better. I haven't even gotten out to my running group:( Was hoping to go tonight but my shoulder and neck have been in agony from coughing so much, so I think I'll just try and go back on Monday. I haven't felt that ill in a few years. Glad it's mostly gone now.
I've been listening to a sermons online the last few days. One that was really encouraging is called "Don't be dismayed" by Carter Conlon. An exerpt from that sermon that has greatly encouraged me is "If you are an active seeker of God, you're gonna have to go through this classroom. I don't see there any escaping it. Every man or woman who is greatly used of God has to go through some very very difficult classrooms that the casual seeker will never embrace. Classrooms of isolation, confusion, despair come into the hearts of those who are truly seekers of God."
"And even though we have to go through valleys and trials we are already on the victory side because of Christ. And in the midst of them I will not fail you and I will not forsake you. All the promises I've ever made to you I will perform to you. And in spite of your weakness I will remain your strength. And in spite of your inconstancy I will remain the One constant in your life. I will not forsake you, I will not fail you in your time of difficulty and trouble."
Such encouragement that is! These last 4 months have been probably the hardest of my life, but yet the greatest in a sense. I can remember one day back in December, I was really struggling and I went and locked myself in the kids bedroom and cried out to God. I remember the tears just kept coming and it felt like my heart was being twisted and ripped into pieces. I remember telling Rodney that I know God takes us through these hard times and that if we truly seek after Him then we will have to go through these trials, but that I didn't know if I could handle it as the pain I was feeling then was so intense and raw. But you know, here we are in March and God got me through it (is getting me through it)! And I actually amazed myself by how much I trusted God through this all! And He has never forsaken me this whole time! Friends have forsaken me but He has been faithful. Even when it feels like He is a zillion miles away, He has never forsaken me. It's encouraging to know that God takes us through these trials in order to break us and bring us to the end of ourselves, all the while never forsaking us in these trials. Sometimes I ask God why He has brought us into this trial, but you know, it really doesn't matter why. All that matters is that God is taking us through it and He will get us through it. So many people look at your circumstances and tell you that you must be in error somewhere or in sin because of what you are going through. But God takes you through these times I believe, and like Carter conlon said "If you are an active seeker of God, you're gonna have to go through this classroom. I don't see there any escaping it. Every man or woman who is greatly used of God has to go through some very very difficult classrooms that the casual seeker will never embrace. Classrooms of isolation, confusion, despair come into the hearts of those who are truly seekers of God."
Praise you Jesus!
I've been listening to a sermons online the last few days. One that was really encouraging is called "Don't be dismayed" by Carter Conlon. An exerpt from that sermon that has greatly encouraged me is "If you are an active seeker of God, you're gonna have to go through this classroom. I don't see there any escaping it. Every man or woman who is greatly used of God has to go through some very very difficult classrooms that the casual seeker will never embrace. Classrooms of isolation, confusion, despair come into the hearts of those who are truly seekers of God."
"And even though we have to go through valleys and trials we are already on the victory side because of Christ. And in the midst of them I will not fail you and I will not forsake you. All the promises I've ever made to you I will perform to you. And in spite of your weakness I will remain your strength. And in spite of your inconstancy I will remain the One constant in your life. I will not forsake you, I will not fail you in your time of difficulty and trouble."
Such encouragement that is! These last 4 months have been probably the hardest of my life, but yet the greatest in a sense. I can remember one day back in December, I was really struggling and I went and locked myself in the kids bedroom and cried out to God. I remember the tears just kept coming and it felt like my heart was being twisted and ripped into pieces. I remember telling Rodney that I know God takes us through these hard times and that if we truly seek after Him then we will have to go through these trials, but that I didn't know if I could handle it as the pain I was feeling then was so intense and raw. But you know, here we are in March and God got me through it (is getting me through it)! And I actually amazed myself by how much I trusted God through this all! And He has never forsaken me this whole time! Friends have forsaken me but He has been faithful. Even when it feels like He is a zillion miles away, He has never forsaken me. It's encouraging to know that God takes us through these trials in order to break us and bring us to the end of ourselves, all the while never forsaking us in these trials. Sometimes I ask God why He has brought us into this trial, but you know, it really doesn't matter why. All that matters is that God is taking us through it and He will get us through it. So many people look at your circumstances and tell you that you must be in error somewhere or in sin because of what you are going through. But God takes you through these times I believe, and like Carter conlon said "If you are an active seeker of God, you're gonna have to go through this classroom. I don't see there any escaping it. Every man or woman who is greatly used of God has to go through some very very difficult classrooms that the casual seeker will never embrace. Classrooms of isolation, confusion, despair come into the hearts of those who are truly seekers of God."
Praise you Jesus!
Wednesday, 9 March 2011
Learning to love myself!
Lately I've been spending a lot of time alone. I go to a running group every Monday and Wednesday on my own, sometimes people speak to me but most times no one does. I had a day in Aberdeen to myself the other day and really enjoyed it. It's not something I normally would've done as the thought of going anywhere on my own was enough to send me into a panic. And this Friday I've got my appointment in Aberdeen at the breast clinic, and I'm going on my own. I plan on getting a bus into Aberdeen and then after the appointment I'll get some lunch on my own then get the bus back home. I think that God has kinda thrown me into these situations of spending time on my own so that I learn to love myself. Not in the sense of being inlove with myself and arrogant, but learning to love me for who God made me to be and realising that I'm not the horrible person people make me out to be. I know some people think of me as some horrible person, but I'm learning not to listen to those lies and to just realise what God thinks of me. I'm learning in these moments when everyone flees from me, when I'm in solitude, when the only friend I've got is the Lord, that it's a time of reflection and much learning and leaning on Christ. I know I'm a sinner and have much weakness, but God has fearfully and wonderfully made me and I trust that He is making me more like Him. I hope He is, as I definitely want less of me and more of Him! Through these times of spending time where it's just me and God, it's been some of the sweetest times, and I'm learning to just be quiet and trust Him! Don't know really where I'm going with this post lol, just kinda writing as I'm thinking which makes for a very jumbled post hehe. But it's good to get my thoughts down somewhere. I was at my running tonight and afterward they had tea and cakes. I sat at a table with 3 other girls and none of them spoke to me, HA! I smiled at them to sort of break the ice, but nah they still just chatted amongst themselves. But while I was sitting there by myself in a room full of people, it gave me the opportunity to think on God and things He's showing me, to talk to Him in my head. Had I have sparked up a conversation with the other girls then I would've been too busy chatting to them to have some moments with God, not that chatting to them would've been wrong but having some moments with God is so much better. God is bringing me back to a place where I can say:
My goal is God Himself-- not joy, not peace, not even blessing, but God! ~Leonard Ravenhill
It seems God has stripped me away of all the things that were taking up my time and thoughts, so that I get back to a place of just wanting Him. Where He is my best friend and the only one whom I can trust. Where in these moments of being by myself, I think on Him, talk to Him, meditate on His Word. So, while before I would've hated being on my own, eating meals on my own, going places on my own, I'm welcoming it with open arms as I know that in those times of solitude that they aren't really solitude as He is right there, spending time with me, and causing me to realise that He is my everything!
My goal is God Himself-- not joy, not peace, not even blessing, but God! ~Leonard Ravenhill
It seems God has stripped me away of all the things that were taking up my time and thoughts, so that I get back to a place of just wanting Him. Where He is my best friend and the only one whom I can trust. Where in these moments of being by myself, I think on Him, talk to Him, meditate on His Word. So, while before I would've hated being on my own, eating meals on my own, going places on my own, I'm welcoming it with open arms as I know that in those times of solitude that they aren't really solitude as He is right there, spending time with me, and causing me to realise that He is my everything!
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