A few years ago during some time with God, He held a mirror in front of my heart (not literally lol) and showed me what was really inside. Ever since then I have been totally disgusted with my black heart and so long to be more like Him! I hate the things in me that aren't conformed to the image of Christ yet, I hate my flesh and the character flaws/sins that I can't seem to get rid of. I don't know how many times I've cried out to God to change me but He doesn't seem to be doing it fast enough for my liking hahaha. I can't stand my flesh yet can't seem to kill it enough. Oh to be in glory with Him, worshipping Him for all eternity, finally able to meet the love of my life face to face, and finally be free from this flesh of mine. To be perfect and not be able to have an angry thought, or some pride. Man I can't wait! I love my family more than words and am forever blessed that God has allowed me time here on earth to spend with them and love them and teach them about God. And I desire more than anything that my kids come to Christ and never depart from Him! But I can't help but feel like a pilgrim on this earth, a stranger. This is not my home and the more I go about in life the more stranger I feel towards it. This narrow road is such a lonely lonely place, full of pits and hardships yet through it all I have learned that there is One that sticks closer than a brother and He is my hearts desire! He is my love whom I wish I could just kiss His feet. To behold Him! Why can I not devote more time to Him? I find it so hard to make time to read my Bible and pray, and that in turn makes it feel like He's a zillion miles away. Oh if only I could crucify this flesh once and for all! To be able to say with Paul "For I am crucified with Christ. For it is no longer I who lives but Christ who lives in me". The reality is that I live far too much and don't give Jesus enough room to live in me. I must decrease and He must increase. Oh to be completely rid of this flesh so that Christ and only Christ lives in and through me and His will be done!
My hubby posted something on Facebook that has challenged me and sort of brings my lack of seeking God into light. It's this quote "The men who have done the most for God in this world have been early on their knees. He who fritters away the early morning, its opportunity and freshness, in other pursuits than seeking God will make poor headway seeking Him the rest of the day. If God is not first in our thoughts and efforts in the morning, He will be in the last place the remainder of the day." - E. M. Bounds
I know the start of my problems is that I don't seek God first in the morning. I know I have small children and that makes things a lot harder but that is basically just an excuse as I could get up before they wake up and seek God. And thus comes the battle with the flesh. My flesh wants to sleep, my spirit wants God. My flesh is currently winning but I need to crucify it again and again so that my spirit man will be stronger than my flesh. I'm determined to get back to that point of extreme closeness with God! I'm setting my face like flint and am going to crucify this stinky flesh! Lord have mercy on me and help me to seek your face with all that is within me!
No comments:
Post a Comment