Here I am Lord, send me.

I've been thinking on this lately. My hearts cry is "Here am I Lord, send me". I'm willing to go to the ends of the earth for Him but when I really think about it there is a lot of fear there. I often feel like who am I that God would use me? I'm just a nobody who has so many faults and failings, so much I want changed in me. I feel as if God were to use me then I would mess up. And why on earth would He pick me? Surely He could choose someone else more qualified and more Holy or more something lol. My hearts desire is to be used by Him to bring people to Him for salvation. But my fear that I'll mess up keeps me sticking my head in the sand and acting like nothing is going on. I don't want to be used by Him to bring glory to myself, Heaven forbid I should or would ever bring glory to anything other than His name! I want to be used by Him to bring glory to HIS name! If only I could just believe in my head and my heart what one of my favorite bit of scripture says, "For you see your calling, brothers, how that not many wise men after the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called: But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God has chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty; And base things of the world, and things which are despised, has God chosen, yes, and things which are not, to bring to nothing things that are: That no flesh should glory in his presence."- 1 Cor 1:26-29. I need to keep telling myself that over and over, then remove my head from the sand, and let God be glorified!

head and heart full!

My head and heart are so full right now and I don't really know what to do with it all, thought maybe blogging would help but not totally sure I can get all of my thoughts and feelings into some sort understandable writing lol. It all started when I read this book called "Courting Morrow Little" by Laura Frantz. Seriously, the best Christian fiction book I've ever read. It is so good that I finished it within 3 days and immediately started to read it again. This book has left me changed and I'm still not exactly sure how lol. I just feel this passion inside, this longing for the One my soul loves, to behold my sweet Jesus and nothing else matters. I just feel like I want to get out in His creation and spend time with Him. Go where no one else is and cry to Him, sing to Him, worship Him with all that I am. I just want to be with Him. I'm lovesick for my Savior. I've been getting away to the lighthouse that's about 5mins from our house. I love it at this time of year as there usually is no one around. I climb up onto the rocks and just stand there with the wind blowing in my hair, watching the waves crash onto the rocks, look into the distance at the massive cliffs that line the shore and just drink in His creation. Talk to Him, declare my love for Him over and over again and not want to leave but reality draws me back to the fact that I have kids and need to get back home before hubby goes off to work. I don't know what is happening inside of me, maybe God is stirring me up for a reason, I don't know. And then last night I stumbled across the story of Jim Elliot and his (and 4 other missionaries) martyrdom. It was the complete story told by one of the other guys son, who was told by the Auca Indians why they killed the missionaries. What an amazing story. If those 5 men weren't martyred, then the Auca Indians probably wouldn't have heard the gospel of Christ. Their death paved the way for Jim Elliot's wife and 1 of the other guys sister to go back and share the Gospel with them and understand true repentance and forgiveness. That story has changed me too! I feel as if I could truly go to the ends of the earth, face death or whatever, for the One whom my soul loves. I feel sort of like a caged lion, ready to bust out of these gates. It's so hard to explain, but my heart and head feel like a water balloon ready to explode! I guess I'll end there as I don't really know what else to say about it lol.

The state of the world and the church!

I've been thinking a lot lately about the state of the world, the youth, and the church and sadly all of those are in a horrible state. I do candle parties to try and get a little extra money coming in. Through this job I meet a lot of people. When I go to parties I watch the people that are there, not in a creepy way. Most of the people I encounter party hard, live lives in sin, they are so lost and it's so sad. The young people are heavy drinkers, having sex, having babies etc. And most of all they care not that they are lost and without Christ. They love their sin and their lifestyles of partying. And you know what? The youth in the church aren't much different. It saddens me beyond belief, not only because so many people are lost and dying in their sins, but also because I have to raise my children in this horrible sin infested world. I keep pleading with God to save my children. It's my biggest hearts desire, to see my children born again and not only that but they all 3 of them would seek God with their whole lives. That they would never stray from Him or become worldly. That they would be beacons of light to this dark dark world. That they stand in the face of all of the temptation and blatant acts of sin and that they would not be moved! That they would give Jesus their whole lives and that they would be winners of souls! I really don't want to do anything that would hinder them coming to Christ or walking with them everyday of their lives! Please Jesus have mercy on my babies and save them and let them give their whole lives to you, that they would never be ensnared by this world, that they would never turn their backs on You but that they would always seek Your face! That they would always be obedient to You and that they would live lives of Holiness, and that their lives would be pleasing to You. I give you my babies Lord, that You would take them and use them for Your glory! Jesus, help me to be a mother who will show them how to live, a mother who's life and example will want to make them follow You and You alone! Lord, please don't let me do anything that would hinder them from coming to You and following You every day of their lives. Lord I also pray that You would give them Godly friends, surround them with friends that will help to keep them on the narrow road! Lord I pray that you would keep them from bad company that corrupts good morals. Lord keep them from people who will bring them down and cause them to turn away from You. Lord I also pray that you would give them Godly husbands and a Godly wife for Micah. Teach Rodney and I how to raise them for You, that they would seek You with their whole hearts! I love you God and I want them to love you too! Have mercy on my babies.

Knowing God, desperation for God!

I've been thinking today that somewhere over the years I've stopped truly being desperate for God. I love Him and my faith is in Him, but I don't really spend time with Him that much anymore, seeking His face, getting to know Him more. That makes me super sad:( And strangely I don't know how to get out of this pit. I feel like I've created this flesh monster that is just living for myself and what I want. But my spirit man is crying out inside "I want GOD! I need Him! Seek His face and you will find Him"!. Oh man, I need to get back to seeking His face and being desperate for more of Him. Because frankly, everything else is worthless. I can remember the days when I use to decline hanging out with friends so that I could stay in and spend time with God. He was all I wanted! I was so hungry for Him. And somewhere along the way I got too busy for that. And that makes me sick:(

Lord, please help me to get back to seeking Your face. Cause a hunger for You to rise in me again. Cause me to hunger for you like the deer pants for the streams of water. I need You and You alone!!! Cause me to seek Your face!

New Ramblings from me:)

Well, we have been in our new house for a week and a half now and we are loving it! So much more room, and I honestly don't have a negative word about it. It's fabulous! I'm so grateful to God for our house, I'm thankful for 3 bedrooms, for finally having 2 toilets, for having a utility room so that my washer and dryer are in the same place. We love the town we are in now as well, pretty quiet out here with loads of green grass for the kids to run about in plus a brand new playpark that is a stones throw from our house. I just can't stop thanking God for our new house. He has been so very good to us, He has provided for us in amazing ways. I have seen God move these last couple of months in ways that some people never experience. He is such a loving and faithful God!

We go to Italy in 6 days!!! I can't wait! My brother and his wife are having their Italian wedding and I'm so excited!! It's been a dream of mine since I was a little girl to go to Italy and I think I'll have to pinch myself just to realise that it's coming true. I can't wait to see my mom, brother, and sis in law. I haven't seen my brother in almost 4 years. The kids are so excited too! This will be their first time in an Airplane, their first proper holiday. I'm too excited to sleep and I still have 6 more sleeps haha.

Do you ever miss someone so much that you are on the verge of messaging them to tell them you love them and miss them and then talk yourself out of it because you know it wouldn't be well received? Sometimes I just wish I could get over some things easily but my mind and heart just won't let me. I have come a long way though and I know one day I will get over it and forget and it'll be easier. Just wish that one day would come a lot faster. God has gotten me this far and I know he'll get me through the rest. He alone is faithful and true. Praise you Lord for your lovingkindness to me and my family. Thank you for loving us when others didn't. Thank you for providing for us, blessing us, and loving us.

The reality of the flesh

A few years ago during some time with God, He held a mirror in front of my heart (not literally lol) and showed me what was really inside. Ever since then I have been totally disgusted with my black heart and so long to be more like Him! I hate the things in me that aren't conformed to the image of Christ yet, I hate my flesh and the character flaws/sins that I can't seem to get rid of. I don't know how many times I've cried out to God to change me but He doesn't seem to be doing it fast enough for my liking hahaha. I can't stand my flesh yet can't seem to kill it enough. Oh to be in glory with Him, worshipping Him for all eternity, finally able to meet the love of my life face to face, and finally be free from this flesh of mine. To be perfect and not be able to have an angry thought, or some pride. Man I can't wait! I love my family more than words and am forever blessed that God has allowed me time here on earth to spend with them and love them and teach them about God. And I desire more than anything that my kids come to Christ and never depart from Him! But I can't help but feel like a pilgrim on this earth, a stranger. This is not my home and the more I go about in life the more stranger I feel towards it. This narrow road is such a lonely lonely place, full of pits and hardships yet through it all I have learned that there is One that sticks closer than a brother and He is my hearts desire! He is my love whom I wish I could just kiss His feet. To behold Him! Why can I not devote more time to Him? I find it so hard to make time to read my Bible and pray, and that in turn makes it feel like He's a zillion miles away. Oh if only I could crucify this flesh once and for all! To be able to say with Paul "For I am crucified with Christ. For it is no longer I who lives but Christ who lives in me". The reality is that I live far too much and don't give Jesus enough room to live in me. I must decrease and He must increase. Oh to be completely rid of this flesh so that Christ and only Christ lives in and through me and His will be done!

My hubby posted something on Facebook that has challenged me and sort of brings my lack of seeking God into light. It's this quote "The men who have done the most for God in this world have been early on their knees. He who fritters away the early morning, its opportunity and freshness, in other pursuits than seeking God will make poor headway seeking Him the rest of the day. If God is not first in our thoughts and efforts in the morning, He will be in the last place the remainder of the day." - E. M. Bounds

I know the start of my problems is that I don't seek God first in the morning. I know I have small children and that makes things a lot harder but that is basically just an excuse as I could get up before they wake up and seek God. And thus comes the battle with the flesh. My flesh wants to sleep, my spirit wants God. My flesh is currently winning but I need to crucify it again and again so that my spirit man will be stronger than my flesh. I'm determined to get back to that point of extreme closeness with God! I'm setting my face like flint and am going to crucify this stinky flesh! Lord have mercy on me and help me to seek your face with all that is within me!

Just Before Victory by David Wilkerson

This is something I've been thinking about for the last few months. I used to believe and say things like "If it's God's will then it'll all work out smoothly and everything will fall into place". But you know, I'm not so sure that's completely true. When you look at the Bible you see so many examples of God giving someone a promise and the next minute that person is thrown into a time of confusion and stuff going wrong! Take Joseph for example. God gave him a dream and then the very next minute his brothers threw him into a pit and sold him into slavery. Then he was eventually accused of something he didn't do and thrown into prison. And it wasn't until after all of that that the promise of God was made a reality. I think we as western world Christians just associate God's will as blessing and ease. But I think that is pretty far from the truth. The persecuted church in China and other parts of the world suffer much and yet I would say that God is so close to them and pleased with them and they are more in the will of God then we are. Anyway, those have been my thoughts as of late, and then today I read this on David Wilkerson's blog and it just confirmed everything I've been thinking. I love when God does that. Anyway, I will link you to it. Please read it! It's truth and it has truly blessed and encouraged me today.

http://davidwilkersontoday.blogspot.com/2011/05/just-before-victory.html

You might have to copy and paste that into your toolbar thingy, I don't know how to do it otherwise lol

The Monkey and the Wire

I've been meaning to write this post for a few days now but am finally getting a chance to. I've been reading "God's Smuggler" by Brother Andrew about a man from Holland who smuggles Bibles into communist countries. I was reading a chapter and a particular part really spoke to me and I gleaned much from it. I start by writing the story he's telling about his pet monkey that he bought when he was in the Phillipeans in the war.

I hadn't had the monkey many weeks before I noticed that his stomach seemed to be hurting him. One day while carrying him I felt what seemed like a welt around his waist. I put him down on the bed and told him to lie still. Carefully I pulled back the hair until I saw what it was. Evidently when the gibbon had been a baby, someone had tied him with a piece of wire and never taken it off. As the monkey grew, the wire became embedded in his flesh. It must have caused him terrible pain.

That evening I began the operation. I took my razor and shaved off the monkey's hair in a three-inch-wide swathe around his middle. The uncovered welt was red and angry looking. While the other boys in the barracks looked on, I cut ever so gently into this tender flesh until I exposed the wire. The gibbon lay with the most amazing patience. Even when I hurt him, he looked at me with eyes that seemed to say, "I understand", until at long last I was able to pull the wire away. Instantly he jumped up, did a little cartwheel, danced around my shoulder, and pulled my hair to the delight of all the boys in the barracks.

Man, God really spoke to me through this. You see, like this monkey we all have wires that have become embedded in our flesh. Ok, not physical wires, but wires of un-willful sin like pride, anger, unforgiveness etc. And throughout our Christian life and walk, God is sanctifying us, putting us in the furnace to come out more pure, and he's cutting into our flesh in order to take these wires out. And you can gaurantee it's gonna hurt. I feel like there are so many wires that are stuck in my flesh. And it hurts to feel them stuck in your flesh. You want nothing more than to be able to get rid of these wires but it will only take God cutting into our flesh and pulling those wires out. Over the last few years God has been doing this very thing, but He seems to have kicked it up a couple of notches in these last few months. It hurts when God shows you exactly what is inside of you, when He shows you just how black your heart really is, and how fleshy you really are. But praise Him that His desire is to perfect us, to make us more like Him, to cut away these wires and areas of us that aren't good. But we have to let Him! We have to lay there like the monkey did, and trust His skillful hands to do this surgery and remove these things. Yes it's painful, but oh so worth it! To finally be free of these wires! To finally be free from pride, anger, resentment, unforgiveness! Have we gotten to the point where this wire has caused so much pain that we are totally sick of it being there that we cry out to God to remove it? Oh praise you Lord for loving me that you would first show me just what is in me, and then you would lovingly remove these things from me. I'm so sick of myself. I'm so sick of my black heart. I'm sick of my flesh. Lord have mercy on me and cut these things out of my flesh once and for all! Praise you through it all!

A tribute to David Wilkerson!

I woke up this morning and the first thing I heard was, "David Wilkerson died in a car accident". My hubby was relaying the story to me. I was in shock and deeply saddened that this great man of God had passed away so suddenly. He was my favorite preacher in these sinful days. He was an amazing man of God! There isn't one sermon of his that didn't encourage me and challenge me, that didn't give me a good kick up the back side and make me feel so loved by God. He was a man who sought God, hungered for God, loved God with all that he was. He preached sermons full of truth, undiluted, uncompromising, grounded in the Word of God. Messages of hope, mercy, and love. Messages that challenged you to forsake your sin, to live a holy life, and seek God with all that you are while doing away with all the things in this world that have no eternal substance. He had the perfect balance of justice and love, judgement and mercy, truth and grace. He was (in my opinion) like a modern day Paul the apostle. He was someone who always pointed you back to the cross, pointed you back to Jesus, and never set out to make a name for himself. He was an incredible man of God who I will miss and is a tremendous loss to the body of Christ. But he is now with our Savior. He is in the bosom of our wonderful Lord. He is in the promise land, where there is no more pain, no more tears, no more sin. He is in glory with Glory Himself! Brother David you will be missed by me and countless others, and I look forward to meeting you in Heaven for the first time.

The Psalms strike again!

You know those times where you just open the Bible to a random spot and the very page you open it to speaks right to you? That doesn't happen often to me but it happened tonight. I wasn't trying to randomly turn to a page, just happened to open and it look down at the page it opened to and Psalm just grabbed my attention. Anyway, thought I'd share it as my blog post as it's very fitting for how I feel.

Psalm 30
I will extol thee, O Lord; for thou hast lifted me up, and hast not made my foes to rejoice over me. O Lord my God, I cried unto thee, and thou hast healed me. O Lord, thou hast brought up my soul from the grave: thou hast kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit. Sing unto the Lord, O ye saints of his, and give thanks at the rememberance of his holiness. For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. And in my prosperity I said, I shall never be moved. Lord, by thy favour thou hast made my mountain to stand strong: thou didst hide thy face, and I was troubled. I cried to thee, O Lord; and unto the Lord I made supplication. What profit is there in my blood, when I go down to the pit? Shall the dust praise thee? shall it declare thy truth? Hear, O Lord, and have mercy upon me: Lord, be thou my helper. Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness; To the end that my glory may sing praise to thee, and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks unto thee for ever.

Been a while

It's been a couple of weeks since I've posted. I've had some sort of sinus/throat infection and it's taken about 2 weeks for me to feel better. I haven't even gotten out to my running group:( Was hoping to go tonight but my shoulder and neck have been in agony from coughing so much, so I think I'll just try and go back on Monday. I haven't felt that ill in a few years. Glad it's mostly gone now.

I've been listening to a sermons online the last few days. One that was really encouraging is called "Don't be dismayed" by Carter Conlon. An exerpt from that sermon that has greatly encouraged me is "If you are an active seeker of God, you're gonna have to go through this classroom. I don't see there any escaping it. Every man or woman who is greatly used of God has to go through some very very difficult classrooms that the casual seeker will never embrace. Classrooms of isolation, confusion, despair come into the hearts of those who are truly seekers of God."

"And even though we have to go through valleys and trials we are already on the victory side because of Christ. And in the midst of them I will not fail you and I will not forsake you. All the promises I've ever made to you I will perform to you. And in spite of your weakness I will remain your strength. And in spite of your inconstancy I will remain the One constant in your life. I will not forsake you, I will not fail you in your time of difficulty and trouble."

Such encouragement that is! These last 4 months have been probably the hardest of my life, but yet the greatest in a sense. I can remember one day back in December, I was really struggling and I went and locked myself in the kids bedroom and cried out to God. I remember the tears just kept coming and it felt like my heart was being twisted and ripped into pieces. I remember telling Rodney that I know God takes us through these hard times and that if we truly seek after Him then we will have to go through these trials, but that I didn't know if I could handle it as the pain I was feeling then was so intense and raw. But you know, here we are in March and God got me through it (is getting me through it)! And I actually amazed myself by how much I trusted God through this all! And He has never forsaken me this whole time! Friends have forsaken me but He has been faithful. Even when it feels like He is a zillion miles away, He has never forsaken me. It's encouraging to know that God takes us through these trials in order to break us and bring us to the end of ourselves, all the while never forsaking us in these trials. Sometimes I ask God why He has brought us into this trial, but you know, it really doesn't matter why. All that matters is that God is taking us through it and He will get us through it. So many people look at your circumstances and tell you that you must be in error somewhere or in sin because of what you are going through. But God takes you through these times I believe, and like Carter conlon said "If you are an active seeker of God, you're gonna have to go through this classroom. I don't see there any escaping it. Every man or woman who is greatly used of God has to go through some very very difficult classrooms that the casual seeker will never embrace. Classrooms of isolation, confusion, despair come into the hearts of those who are truly seekers of God."
Praise you Jesus!

Learning to love myself!

Lately I've been spending a lot of time alone. I go to a running group every Monday and Wednesday on my own, sometimes people speak to me but most times no one does. I had a day in Aberdeen to myself the other day and really enjoyed it. It's not something I normally would've done as the thought of going anywhere on my own was enough to send me into a panic. And this Friday I've got my appointment in Aberdeen at the breast clinic, and I'm going on my own. I plan on getting a bus into Aberdeen and then after the appointment I'll get some lunch on my own then get the bus back home. I think that God has kinda thrown me into these situations of spending time on my own so that I learn to love myself. Not in the sense of being inlove with myself and arrogant, but learning to love me for who God made me to be and realising that I'm not the horrible person people make me out to be. I know some people think of me as some horrible person, but I'm learning not to listen to those lies and to just realise what God thinks of me. I'm learning in these moments when everyone flees from me, when I'm in solitude, when the only friend I've got is the Lord, that it's a time of reflection and much learning and leaning on Christ. I know I'm a sinner and have much weakness, but God has fearfully and wonderfully made me and I trust that He is making me more like Him. I hope He is, as I definitely want less of me and more of Him! Through these times of spending time where it's just me and God, it's been some of the sweetest times, and I'm learning to just be quiet and trust Him! Don't know really where I'm going with this post lol, just kinda writing as I'm thinking which makes for a very jumbled post hehe. But it's good to get my thoughts down somewhere. I was at my running tonight and afterward they had tea and cakes. I sat at a table with 3 other girls and none of them spoke to me, HA! I smiled at them to sort of break the ice, but nah they still just chatted amongst themselves. But while I was sitting there by myself in a room full of people, it gave me the opportunity to think on God and things He's showing me, to talk to Him in my head. Had I have sparked up a conversation with the other girls then I would've been too busy chatting to them to have some moments with God, not that chatting to them would've been wrong but having some moments with God is so much better. God is bringing me back to a place where I can say:

My goal is God Himself-- not joy, not peace, not even blessing, but God! ~Leonard Ravenhill

It seems God has stripped me away of all the things that were taking up my time and thoughts, so that I get back to a place of just wanting Him. Where He is my best friend and the only one whom I can trust. Where in these moments of being by myself, I think on Him, talk to Him, meditate on His Word. So, while before I would've hated being on my own, eating meals on my own, going places on my own, I'm welcoming it with open arms as I know that in those times of solitude that they aren't really solitude as He is right there, spending time with me, and causing me to realise that He is my everything!

Leonard Ravenhill

I love Leonard Ravenhill! He's a very hard hitting preacher, he tells it like it is. So much of what he said or preached on convicts me. I'm not what I should be, that's for sure. I want to do a post that is dedicated to some of his quotes only, so here goes.

If you're going to be a true Christian, I'll tell you one thing amongst others: it'll be a lonely life. It's a narrow way and it becomes narrower and narrower and narrower.

Paul said, "...having nothing yet possessing all things..." Today, we have all things but possess nothing!

C'mon what really excites you? (What do you do on) Sunday afternoon? (Do you) watch a bunch of dumb guys kick a ball around? When do you give Jesus two hours of your time adoring and magnifying Him?

There are three people that live in me and three people that live in you: t the one I think I am; the one others think I am, and the one God knows I am... and it only matters what God says I am.

How do you learn to pray? (Well), how do you learn to swim? Do you sit in a chair with your feet up drinking coke learning to swim? (No), you get down and you struggle. That's how you learn to pray. Prayer is our strength; Prayer generates strength; it generates vision; it generates power; and the devil wilI drive you away from the prayer closet more than anything.

No man is greater than his prayer life.

Are we so in love with the Lord Jesus that He could ask anything of you and you'd do it? If God telIs you to get up at 4:00 a.m. and intercede would you do it?

There are millions and millions that are going to a fiery, eternal, tormented hell. (Do you think) you would have such a narrow, shrunken prayer meeting at your church if every believer believed that?!

There's one thing we need above everything else; it's something we don't talk about these days. We need a mighty avalanche of conviction of sin.

David had one of the most blessed experiences in the world, and the blessedness was that he was miserable about his sin.

The early church was married to poverty, prisons and persecutions. Today, the church is married to prosperity, personality, and popularity.

I want to see a fellowship where your burdens become mine! Your grief over your children becomes my grief! Where we really bear each other's burdens; where we love each other and let the world come and see that we are the followers of the meek and lowly Jesus who cared only to do the will of His Father.

I'm sick to death of the so-called Christianity of our day. What's supernatural about it? When do people come out of the sanctuary awed and can't speak for an hour because God has been in glory there? Dear God, as soon as they get out, they're talking football, or sports or something or there's going to be a big sale downtown or somewhere. We are not caught up into eternity!

The devil's aim today is to keep one away from the Bible.

Sin will keep you from this Book or this Book will keep you from sin.

We've gone into other countries... have we taken the Gospel? No! We have not taken the Gospel; we're giving them American Christianity or English Christianity! Bible-Christianity: it's the most costly thing in the world; it's the most beautiful thing in the world; it's the most glorious thing in the world.

There should be a birth chamber in every church; (it) should be a room for travail.

Can you remember the last time you didn't go to bed because people were dying without Christ?

We put men into pulpits because they have degrees. But you can have 32 of them and still be frozen! "Oh," you say, "we got a new pastor. He's got a B. A." I've got a B. A. too, I'm born-again! Today, there is such an emphasis (on education) isn't there?

I use to preach my heart out and people would say, "I haven't slept for five nights." Nowadays, they take you to court and sue you for that.

If there's no brokenness in the pulpit, why should there be any brokenness in the pew?

F. A. I.T. H. As children in England we used to say: Forsaking All I Take Him.

Faith can't do anything I want; (but) it can do anything God wants.

Christ will not stand competition. This vain world should have no pull on us at any level at all.

He wants to get us to the place where we'd rather fast than feast; where we'd rather be unknown than known.

A brother was telling me this week when he got baptized, it was kind of a sudden thing and he went down into the water and suddenly realized that he had his wallet in his pocket. There's not many wallets that get baptized (these days). We kind of say, "Lord, you look after our sins (and) I'll look after the rest. Every penny you earn since you've become property of Jesus Christ and you'll give an account of before God. He doesn't just take your sins; He takes your (whole) self; He takes (over) the government of your life.

I can think of one thing when I get to the Judgment Bar and Jesus will look down and say, "I had many things to tell you but you couldn't bear them." We're too busy running our own lives: praying when you want to pray, eating what you want to eat, going where you want to go, spending what you want to spend, reading what you want to read, (Do you) call that a spiritual life? Brother, it is carnal as carnality!

My goal is God Himself-- not joy, not peace, not even blessing, but God!

Assumptions

Don't you just love it when someone makes an assumption about you that is just that, an assumption that has no truth what so ever? I love it! Nah, not really lol. I've had it happen recently where someone thought I posted something that was directed towards them. Whatever I post anywhere is stuff that God is speaking to me and dealing with me. I remember at our wedding when our friend Andy was giving the gospel, one of my husbands cousins said he kept looking at her as if he was directing his entire sermon to her. I think we as humans are skeptical and untrusting, I know I am lol. And that goes to prove it! In her mind she was probably convicted but wanted a skapegoat somewhere, so she decided to try to mask her conviction with saying that the preacher was singling her out. It's easy to make assumptions though, we are human afterall. I've done it myself. You read something and you think "They are directing that towards me". I just did it the other day lol. And am learning that I need to stop and think that I need not jump to assumptions, that someone is maybe just saying something and it's maybe not directed towards me. Gotta stop the paranoia lol. And then you get the other side of the coin, you get the fear of saying anything about anything incase someone gets offended, but do you stop speaking what's on your heart for fear of offending folk or that they take it the wrong way? I hope not!

Slight spin off here lol, but I love John the Baptist! He's one of my favorite people in the Bible. He was a wild man, but yet he walked so closely with God. He challenged Herod about his relationship with Herodias his brothers wife. Herodias didn't like John the Baptist trying to get Herod to repent, so she tricked Herod into giving her the head of John the Baptist. John the Baptist was a man of truth. He came bringing the message "repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand". And you can bet that his message made people uncomfortable. Jesus' message made people uncomfortable, they tried stoning Him several times. Paul's message made people uncomfortable, they stoned Him. Truth is bound to make people uncomfortable yet that doesn't mean we should stop preaching it.

Do we stop being ourselves for fear that we are misunderstood? I for one care far too much about what people think about me. It's something that I'm praying God changes in me as I don't want to care what others think of me, especially when it isn't true. All that matters is how God sees me! And I need to rest in that fact. He knows I'm a sinner, He knows I have a black heart, He knows I make umpteen mistakes a day and yet He still loves me and doesn't forsake me. I'm tired of being eaten up by people who don't love me despite my many failings and warts, I'm tired of being eaten up by people who are determined to misunderstand me, I'm tired of being eaten up by other peoples opinions of me. None of it matters, all that matters is how God sees me and that's a truth that I need to let seep into the core of my very being. At the end of the day, people will believe what they want to believe about you, but that doesn't make it the truth. We just need to shake the dust off our feet and keep walking. Again, all that matters is how God sees us!

Dying to self

This seems to be a theme of what God is speaking to me lately. Death to self. I've known about dying to self for many years now, but the actual dying to self part is a continual thing lol. I'm really noticing that we as western world Christians are far too selfish and we just basically live how we want to. We do what we want most of the time and it subtly pulls us away from the truth of our need to die to our SELF. Who are we living for? Ourselves or God? I was digging through a box of books tonight and found one of my old journals from like 6 years ago when we did this Bible school called "The School of Christ". I found some really great quotes that I had written down that just spoke on this very topic.

"Jesus came to do the will of the Father. Jesus says that our purpose on earth is to do the will of the Father" ~B.H. Clendennan

"All that serves Satan is SELF. The Cross works to remove that SELF" ~B.H. Clendennan

Not only is dying to self dying to our self-will, selfish ambitions etc, but dying to self is dying to everything in us that seeks to gratify and glorify self. For I was bought with a price, my life is no longer my own but it is Christ's. I am here to do His will and not my own.

I want to write so much more on this subject but it's now 2am and I need sleep lol. Man, when you are getting revelation it's hard to drag yourself to bed. I will be back to this subject soon. Look out for part 2:)

Christ's Call to Follow in His Footsteps by K.P. Yohannan

Here's another video. Yikes this one convicted me!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=esdhq7n2Zbg&feature=player_embedded#at=89

GO by Jackie Pullinger

One of my friends posted this on my facebook page and it's very soul stirring so thought I'd share it here.

David Wilkerson

I love David Wilkerson! I don't have much time to write tonight so I will just share a link to David Wilkerson's blogpost from today because it's wonderful and what I've been thinking about the last few weeks.

http://davidwilkersontoday.blogspot.com/2011/02/surrendered-life.html

Enjoy!

Teach me how to pray

I was in Aberdeen for the whole day today and on the drive home I was listening to some Jason Upton and have a wonderful time with the Lord. This song really spoke to me, challenged me, and encouraged me so I thought I'd make it my blog post for today.

Teach Me How To Pray by Jason Upton
Mommy, I hear the baby crying
Help me, are the words she’s implying
Where’ve I been while my world has been dying
Lord, teach me how to pray

Not my will or my plans or the way I want it
I’m so tired of my hands in the way
So reveal to these eyes the true heart of my Father, today
Lord teach me how to pray

Daddy, I can hear Jesus crying
Help me, are the words He’s implying
Am I sleeping while my Savior is dying
Lord, teach me how to pray

Not my will or my plans or the way I want it
I’m so tired of my hands in the way
So reveal to these eyes the true heart of my Father, today
Lord teach me how to pray

So I’ll keep asking, for Your kingdom to come
Looking, for Your will to be done
For every nation, tribe, and every tongue
Lord, teach me how to pray

Soooo good! How much do I do what I want? My will, my plans, the way I want things? I'm sooo tired of these hands in the way! The Lord's will be done in me, in my life, in every single aspect of my life. I want to be fully dead to SELF and let His will alone be done in me.

Random Ramblings again

I turned 30 yesterday.....eeek!! It was quite painful in the morning, but by the end of the day 30 wasn't so painful anymore. I went out with my friend Mercedes to watch a movie and then we grabbed a bite to eat. I love Mercedes, she makes me laugh and she is a very loyal friend. I'm blessed to have her in my life.

I'm so very tired today, I was actually falling asleep in church, that's how tired I am lol. It's been a week of hardly any sleep, with Lydia not feeling well and she didn't sleep well which meant we didn't sleep well. She is feeling better now and we are getting better sleep. But last night I was feeling kinda blue, so when I was trying to go to sleep my mind was just going and going and going and wouldn't stop. So it took a long time for me to fall asleep and then Lydia was up early, well early for her at 8:30am lol. So, I'm gonna head off to bed early tonight.

I got my appt in for the breast clinic. It's March 8th. I'm trying not to think about it, that way I don't worry between now and then. God's will be done though, no matter what happens. And I trust Him!

One of the ladies from church posted on my Facebook wall that she was really blessed by my children today at church. It melts my heart to hear people say that my children blessed them. She said that Micah prayed for the snack, and not only did he pray but he volunteered himself without even being asked. I'm so proud of him. He's the cutest boy to ever walk this planet! He's incredibly sweet, he's always randomly saying "I love you mommy." and giving me hugs and kisses. It's the greatest thing in the world. He's gonna be a huge guy when he's older, but I know that he is going to be a gentle giant. He opens doors for people too! He makes me smile!

Rodney asked me what I wanted for my birthday ages ago. I told him that the one thing I really wanted I knew we couldn't afford. I wanted professional pictures taken of the kids and the 5 of us as a family. I wanted them to be outside as we tend to like natural pictures taken instead of posed ones. Anyway, Rodney entered me into this Valentine's day competition for a local photographer. The prize was a free photo session and 5 free 5x7 photos. And I actually won!!!! I'm so excited. I know that that was a special birthday present from God, because He knew how badly I wanted that. God does love me, and it's the little things like that that prove it:) So, I've been in touch with the photographer and we are going to do an outside session but we have to wait until about April when the weather gets nicer. And to top that off, my friend Amber gave me a gift certificate to this photographer, so that can go towards extra photos. I'm very humbled and excited!!! We finally get to get family photos taken....woohoo!

I think that's all of my random ramblings for now. I'm gonna head off to bed and hopefully get a wonderful night's sleep!